Dr. MJ Bazos MD,
Illness, Death and Other Losses
- Blaming yourself
- Crying spells
- Fast heartbeat
- Feeling like there's a lump in your throat
- Feeling like what's happening around you isn't
- Hyperventilating -- sighing and yawning
- Not being able to get organized
- Not feeling hungry or losing weight
- Restlessness and irritability
- Sadness or depression
- Seeing images of the dead person
- Shortness of breath
- Tightness in your chest
- Trouble concentrating
- Trouble sleeping
Grief is a normal, healthy response to loss. One
of the greatest losses that can occur is the death of someone you love. Other
losses include the loss of your health or the health of someone you care about,
or the end of an important relationship, such as through divorce. Healing from a
loss involves coming to terms with the loss and the meaning of the loss in your
What are the normal feelings of
As you face a loss, you may have different
feelings at different times. These feelings include shock, denial, anger, guilt,
sadness and acceptance. You may find yourself going back and forth from one
feeling to another. For example, right when it seems that you're starting to
accept your loss, you may find yourself feeling sad or guilty again. Your grief
may never completely go away. But the pain you feel will lessen with time as you
work through these feelings.
What usually happens
In the first hours or days after the loss, you
may feel shocked, numb and confused. You may not remember what people are saying
to you. You may feel dazed and as though you're going through things like a
robot. You may think and act as though the loss hasn't occurred. This is called
As your shock wears off, reality will slowly
break through. You'll begin to realize that the loss has happened. It's normal
to feel abandoned and angry. You may direct your anger toward God, religion,
doctors and nurses, the one who has died or other loved ones, or even yourself.
What happens after the anger wears
After you get through some of the anger and
denial, it's normal to try to pretend things are like they used to be. If
someone you love has died, you may play memories over and over in your mind. You
may also feel the presence of your loved one, think you see him or her, or think
you hear his or her voice.
You may also find yourself talking to your loved
one as though he or she were in the room with you. As you begin to realize that
your loved one is gone and you can't bring him or her back, you'll begin to feel
the full impact of your loss. These feelings may be scary because they're so
strange and so strong. They may make you feel like you're losing control.
When you begin to realize the full impact of the
loss on your life, you may feel depressed and hopeless. You may also feel
guilty. You may find yourself thinking things like "if only" or "why me." You
may cry for no apparent reason. This is the most painful stage of healing, but
it won't last forever. In normal grief, the depression will begin to lift with
What is the first sign of
You may start to feel better in small ways. For
example, you may find it's a little easier to get up in the morning, or you may
have a small burst of energy. This is the time when you'll begin to reorganize
your life around your loss or without your loved one.
What is the final
Tips on dealing with a
- Talk about how you're feeling with others.
- Try to keep up with your daily tasks so you don't
- Get enough sleep, eat a well-balanced diet and
- Avoid alcohol. Alcohol can make you feel more
- Get back into your normal routine as soon as you
- Avoid making major decisions right away.
- Allow yourself to grieve--to cry, to feel numb,
to be angry or to feel however you're feeling.
- Ask for help if you need it.
The last stage of accepting a loss is when you
begin to reinvest in other relationships and activities. During this time, it's
normal to feel guilty or disloyal to your loved one because you're moving on to
new relationships. It's also normal to relive some of your feelings of grief on
birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and during other special times.
How long does grief
You'll probably start to feel better in 6 to 8
weeks. The whole process usually lasts 6 months to 4 years.
If you feel like you're having trouble getting
through the process at any point, ask for help. People who can help include
friends, family, clergy, a counselor or therapist, support groups and your
Be sure to talk to your family doctor if you
have a lot of trouble eating, sleeping or concentrating for more than the first
couple of weeks. These things can be signs of depression. Your family doctor can
help you work through your depression and start to feel better about your